I am Processing….

 This was 1st titled, “I am a Hypocrite” but pondering that title left me increasingly leery of that selection. Like the word “Pride”, society has it’s immediate 1 direction definition & rarely is aware of the complexion of its entirety. So to prevent immediate judgement without reading, I chose to remove the title that would judge this “book” by the cover. So allow me to start here….

I am a Hypocrite. 

Webster dictionary defines Hypocrisy as, “a feigning to be what one is not or to believe what one does not :  behavior that contradicts what one claims to believe or feel.”

Also put, It’s a pretense of having a virtuous character. It is moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc, that one does not really possess.

“To walk in hypocrisy is to forget God has met us where we are, that he has pulled us out of the muck and the mire, & that we are all in process (as the gospel teaches)”

I grew up understanding this term in a religious church atmosphere, so to hear the “Reliance” sermon from The Village Church’s Pastor Matt Chandler, it definitely shook a few things. In a different perspective of this word, a perspective we don’t usually highlight under the term, being as When we refuse to walk in the type of community that can support us, hear us, and encourage us, hypocrisy will flourish.” 

I, for one, am very guilty of giving others advice & ministering when in all actuality sometimes I’m finding myself needing to heed my own words. Hypocrisy possibly flourishes due to us “rarely willing to have the type of relationships that will expose where we’re blind.” (Differently put, “A failure to walk in community in a way that reveals what is really going on in our hearts, minds, & lives.”)  I am a person that feels it to be difficult to go to people & open to my weaknesses, doubts, & all of the like when there become bumps in my road. I treasure having the blessing to “sit in the trenches” with others & help them out…only I don’t allow others to do the same for me. Allowing myself to be the cheese that stands alone only ferments aggravation inside & outwardly my husband feels the difference.  Once I am personally aware of this, I strongly dislike myself for the position I’ve allowed myself to fall in. When I’m walking in more of flesh than spirit, I’m facing the old me & my head is crammed with anger waiting & wanting to explode. When I’m more in the Spirit, mountains move & peace & joy exude me. 

“It’s okay to…not be okay. You just can’t
stay there.”  

Pity parties aren’t my forte, so I guess subconsciously I go to that conclusion of self mentally on the occasions when opening begins. I was raised with the, tears don’t fix it, mentality & it stuck pretty well. I don’t see any of the previous statements in others that approach me for encouragement though. I truly am my own worst critic. 

On the contrary, I am deeply intrigued by people’s personal stories. I’m a soul digger, looking deep to the root of why things are as so. Never any judgement of any sort, but approached with understanding & openness. I believe the church body could benefit from being more transparent, but I become a stalemate. If you chose to listen, I’ll tell you my story, my testimony, but my current mental battles…probably not. 

“There’s not really an avenue in which being privatized in your faith is going to be beneficial to you.” 

I have questions, doubts, times where God seems far off in the distance, times when I can’t see what He’s doing & why he chose ME to do it. At times like so, I typically become quiet in flesh & spirit. I call out to God in those times, yet i know I can do a better job at prioritising my time with Him & the manner it’s done. There are also many periods where silence overcomes in all realms of my person. 

“Doubt & struggle should not be viewed as weakness among the people of God; they
should be viewed as part of the journey.”

“The Holy Spirit is at work inside you, doing the work of sanctification with you to make you more & more like Jesus. When you forget these two things are true about you…first, that you’re a sinner in need of grace &, second, that you are in process…you will turn your back on the very freeing reality that God has already outed you as not being there yet.”
There is no perfect person & no perfect church & THANK The Good Lord for THAT!! I’m sure I’d manage to mess something up, I’m a messy person, flawed, stubborn, PRAISE Jesus that He is the ONLY to withhold perfection. But because of Jesus, God sees me as something I don’t see myself as. But He loves me. So much so…The Bible has so much to say about how we’re to walk with one another in our doubts.

  ▪Ecclesiastes 4:9-12▪ 
“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls & has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him–a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” 

“This is Solomon’s way of saying there should always be someone in the trench of life with you. There should be at least one who knows everything about you; at least one who knows what you’re thinking, what you’re currently wrestling with, what you currently have on your plate, where you
feel you currently are in regard to margin. There should always be at least one!”

▪Proverbs 27:17▪”Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

  Fire, Hammer, Sparks. THAT’S how iron sharpens iron.

▪Hebrews 3:13▪ “But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called ‘today,’ that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” 

“Nobody just falls off the cliff of
belief. They wrestle. They’re quiet about it. They don’t let anyone in.”

  “The text here says we should know one another to the point that we’re able to exhort one another,
encourage one another, as long as it’s called “today.” Why? Because there is a very real chance we’ll be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. How can we be encouraged in our weaknesses if no one
knows we’re weak? And how can we be exhorted in our doubts if no one knows we’re wrestling with doubt? ”

The quiet wrestling times, like anyone, I have personal conversations with myself…if not with God…about how I feel or what is going on. I leave myself solo or fully rely on God & blare it all to Him. Which to me, I imagine that to be the better option. Some times I know I’m wrong because those are times I want/need someone to just listen. To have a few pray for me & lead me with words of encouragement that are Biblical..that would truly be the better route. 

 “Relationships with others that
are built around knowing, walking with, & following hard after Jesus Christ are difficult to find.” This is difficult to explain what I feel with this due to having a loving church family that would become anything that was needed. I tell others, our job is to bear each other’s burdens. Yet again from the receptive point rather than the communicative. “Doubt isn’t weakness. Quit trying to carry it on your own. If the disciples had to say, “Help my unbelief,” what makes you think you’re stronger than they are? What a prayer from the people. “Help my unbelief. I’m trying to believe. Help me.” 

“What leads people out of  hypocrisy is an ongoing reminder that they’re in need of grace, that they have no secrets, that God already knows, & that sanctification is a process.” How well that “P” word presents itself often. Yet it is truth. Often a painful process as well, uncomfortable to say the least but never in vain. Grace is an obsession to myself. So much awe by this gift. What a good God we have that no matter what we tell or don’t tell, He still reins supreme & He always makes ways. PRAISE Him for His ways…The Way. Always meeting us where we are. 

“So what do we do with hypocrisy? Well, I think you have to be on your guard, & I think you have to learn to preach the gospel to yourself. Just walk in what he has already said is true about you. You’re a sinner in need of grace. Don’t try to be more than you are.” 

“You’re never going to grow in your knowledge of the Word of God if you pretend you already know the Word of God & become too proud to seek help for it. It becomes a necessity that we be honest. It becomes a necessity that we say, “I need help.” Your hypocrisy, your lying, your pretending to be more than you are… You might have fooled us, but you most definitely have not fooled God.” 

Yet more words to heed in my soul. Thank The Good Lord for His process.