Comments are spoken of specific perspective through others eyes to my being. Most often times, these statements are welcome and received, other times they enter into spaces of denial. I am not a woman for any to look up to, in my perspective, for I hold secrets that only God is aware of through His Mighty All Power, but hardly any that I confess, even to Him. Others imagine that I must “have it all together”, that my job is conquered with Grace and that much love must be possessed in my heart. All of which are true, to some varying degrees, but like many other life obstacles and feelings, there is a price and story behind such levels of actions.
I admit, more than ever, that my life is a pure form of Grace, but even that comes at a price. God uses all the willing souls to Glorify Him, He takes all hurts and pains and allows them to be used as to not be felt in vain. To bless me with MY blessings and life opportunities, along came missions to pursue as well. My God is making me more and more like Him. All the lows merely lay a foundation to stand up on and each time builds me higher and higher. I walk in a life that I, in no way, ever thought that I would be capable of, much less volunteer to walk in. Often I am faced with choices that can define me or defile me and what I believe. I am forced to depend on God and lean on Him in order to walk with any grace in this life He has given me. I defy my self laid out odds and so it seems, in many other perspectives of women as well. The love that God has put in my heart for my husband burns so deep and pure that any task could be set before me and this love would drive the accomplishment to reach Him. What once was lost, is found, a heart, soul, mind, through God’s grace, found a home in the man God designed for me. God granted me this man that shows me more and more every day what it’s liked to love and be love…far beyond text book definition. My heart was saved right as I threw my hands up in surrender and forfeit. Though already a mother of 2, having lived a life of experience, I found [and still find] myself experiencing 1sts. As time moves on, I grasp more understanding of what love is and means as I see the many faces and hands of it while traveling in this world of the unknown.
It is both a blessing and a curse to feel things so deeply. This quote is true, as you will see.
I tend to be seen as Wonder Woman, a heroine that is seemingly the epitome of: love, compassion, selflessness, bravery, courage, leadership, intelligence, adventurous, willing, strong though sensitive, among other things, yet full with relentless pursuit in her beliefs. In many cases, I absolutely believe that I posses most of her qualities, but there are times that, like in the current, that it’s difficult to even remotely entertain the idea of paralleling to this All American Heroine. As in the newly released Wonder Woman movie, I DO greatly believe that sorrow and pain births strength of the unknown inner power people posses. Spoken in the movie was another statement that really caught my attention, “Not every one gets to be who they want to be all the time. Everyone is fighting their own battles.” How true and deep did this hit when I heard it spoken for the 3rd movie screening time. Not all the time am I able to be what my family and others think I am, much less what I feel I need to be and WANT to be. This title was given back in the Summer/Fall of 2014 by one of the middle boys and it grew, like wild fire. It would seem prophetic in hind sight, a description of both natural and supernatural realms. In fact, spiritual growth has been a tangible and visible process as I clearly, in a complete and utter way, see evolving. This “title” would bust into the church congregation as well, seemingly among people that would speak this with no fore knowledge of previous statements amongst others. My church friends would make this declaration to me out of the blue, simply by their own perception of my life. I would begin to grasp on and fuel my esteem with this “dubbing”. (post thought, maybe used it as more fuel than I should have. Possibly making it an Idol as I would put this empowerment over God’s will and movement in my life. God should always be my fuel, not a name or word as those hold no fulfillment on their own)
It seems that with the “highs” also come “lows”, both spiritual and natural. Valleys and peaks, desserts and swamps, walls and plains. Momentarily the trenches seem to be filling with water, drowning my life and partly some of what seems to be my soul, for lack of better expressions. See, there’s a secret buried deep inside, and it seems to currently be more prevalent than in times of the incredible distant past. To reveal these inner most feelings or thoughts, becomes an extremely scary act. I would like to think that whomever reading this would have an open mind, as one would have to posses in order to function with more fluidity in the type of world we have now. The inner workings of peoples minds can be a scary thing to outsiders, to others who are more concerned about being seen as “perfect”. This is not a sobriety story, its not an addiction story, no it’s more of a story of self inflection, slow simmering, a boiling deep inside areas plastered with “No Entrance Prohibited” signs and razor wired electric fencing. THIS, this will shine a light on vulnerability, rawness…the naked truth that people purposely omit…and for a good reason.
In my family, depression runs through the blood of many, some admit to it, while others refuse to let themselves be labeled with such mentality. Growing up, it was absolutely no secret that my mother laid victim to the wars and battles of depression. As I sit and write this, vivid scenes replay in my memory like it was merely yesterday. Years down the road, among many other chronic aliments mom would be labeled with and burdened to carry out, depression was one. Medication would be her saving grace, yet I strongly remember others having opposing opinions on these actions. “Taking medicine made you weak”, “You just need to get over yourself”, “It’s all in your head”, “You just don’t have enough faith”, “Jesus is all you need and taking medicine proves the lack you hold”. The list goes on and on, if you can’t get the picture, depression was a “mind” thing and you just need to buck up enough, it was a sign of weakness. It has taken many years and plenty of personal research to remotely begin to understand that this in fact is NOT weakness, an excuse, a fad, a crutch, but truly a legit mental battle that is as real as you and I. That God can heal through meds and people rather than just breathing and depression is forever gone. I always believed the latter, I knew that if I tapped stronger into God, became more religious (which I would later learn was a big joke and a lie, that relationship with God is what the original design for creation was) or later more spiritual, that I wouldn’t suffer as much, if it all. This became an awfully vicious cycle that would seem to do more harm than suffering from the original lying issue. Roads in my life would lead me more in tune with my mental friend, I would be driven to dark places within myself and my thoughts. These places would become safe havens for me through out the years.
As a child I never amounted up to my cousins, I was the off spring of my mom and my dad’s family was NOT a fan of my mother, (for whatever unknown reason) therefore I wasn’t exactly a prized kid. My mom wasn’t the favorite of the 3 daughters that Nanny and Paw had so in turn, her older sisters off spring was as golden as their mother, so like my dad’s family, I wasn’t as good as they were. In a nutshell, I was destined to be the black sheep before conception. It is what it was, such as life, but it has lead me strong flawed issues that I fight to this day. As I’m sure many women do, I knit pick every part of my being, like was done to me so long ago. I still hold the feelings of being undeserving and, truthfully, unworthy. There is always that little back voice that echoes the comparisons, like was a constant subject of my youth. Though this lead me to be, what I hope others would agree with me saying, humble, I have never viewed myself with greatness, and actually, it wasn’t long ago that I began to be somewhat okay with my self reflection in the mirror. And this act would ultimately be brought on by self destruction and body altering results of self harm…I developed a way to combat things by denying food. During this time, I would lose 100 pounds. Prior to this form of destruction, being abused took care of that mental issue. Many people “don’t know why she stays”, not many understand, and frankly no one asked them to. People who have traveled similar roads as another, are pretty much the only people who are able to “understand”. Since his “reasoning’s” weren’t far from my already formed mindset, it was easier to believe the degrading things that were spoken to me for those 3 years. I was useless and no one would ever love me or take a young single mom of a little girl in. My life was a wreck and he was the only hope I had, I deserved every slap and punch, I earned the steel toe boots to my mid section, and so much more. While speed was an outlet as well, that didn’t last long enough and one day I would find that ALL of my possessions had been pawned for drugs, so much so that he was contemplating “issuing” me out to make money for more. I walked hand and hand with the grim reaper, waiting my number, questioning which time he was finally going to take me from this miserable life that I walked both me and my baby girl in. In that situation lied a few things that I knew would keep my daughter safe and would even free her from the hell that was “him”, so I found an outlet, applying enough pressure to finally free me from this world and my mind, oh it felt so good, yet I’m still here today. Years later, I would resort to cutting myself for s short time. The pain, the feeling of my flesh being sliced, the sensation of the blood dripping down…was euphoric and a swell momentary release.
A tough and rough life aren’t great pairings for a person with depression. Anxiety reared after the abusive “boy” chapter “closed”. For years it never officially closed as there became many signs and odd contacting’s that would remind us how he was never far away. Looking over ones shoulders for years can be enough to heighten any issues. Through this, being greatly observant would be a super power I would posses up to the present, old habits die hard but I see this one as a double edged sword. A continual struggle to be “good” enough hung even heavier than before. Then, leading up to the eventual weight lose, I was moved from my family to another state. Granted, I was more than ready to get out and have a chance to be who I wanted to be, to get away from the mundane and possibly escape my miserable state of being. Stuck in the same life hell, but with unfamiliar surroundings, I dove into a Bible my Mom purchased for me prior to leaving. As I struggled with the same instability but add 1 more daughter, I was still spinning in that endless let down spiral, yet this time, I focused on my Study Bible and God gave me friends to show me different levels of “religion” that I would later learn was the kicking off point to my relationship gaining with Christ. I struggled to be the light I wanted to be among the darkness and obvious despair that was this new chapter of my life. Extra useless weight drowning me socially, physically, and financially, I was forced to exhaust all efforts and programs to assure my girls had food and a safe and functioning home, all the while trying to search for God while combating my husband that was very much NOT on the same page and carried no desire to do so. Turning away from food was my weapon of choice and so began that journey and endless hours finding excuses to walk in and around town. Fortunately for my girls, Colorado was extremely community friendly and held a LOT of free events. Colorado would also be a place where I could tangibly see God, His existence could not be denied. No matter what chaos was firing around, peace was merely a walk away. But then the inevitable would happen and again shake my world to the soul. Going back home would be an extreme difficult and rough time mentally. I mourned over leaving the place I so loved and it loved me in return. Leaving the 1 place I could SEE God and escape, the Utopia, crushed and shattered me to absolute pieces. I was back in the one place I wanted all of my life to leave. Back in my own little (exaggerated) version of Hell. Clicking my heals would not bring me back, as much as I tried. Through support of family, I was able to drop dead weight, once and for all, but not before he pulled stunts on my family. Having life ties still brings me to the point of wanting to go back and slap the old me. People don’t change, no matter how much they swear they do, they don’t. Circumstances change, but for some people, the circumstances must be extremely significant for any readjustment to begin. Being just a “mom” can be a complete defeating feeling when attempting to compose a working resume. There I was, in my Nanny’s home (again) no vehicle, no job, and my girls depended on ME. Yay! More struggle and in another damn pit.
Life would turn around when I was forced to meet this man with 4 boys. I had turned down the mention of this dude every time our mutual friend would bring him up. Little did I know he would become my best friend, never having a relationship ,in any aspect, ever before. But even that comes with things that aren’t things I’ve ever wanted nor am truly capable of. Highs and lows would continue, but secretly. I didn’t want anyone to know or think poorly of me, or hear stories of the “blah blah blah did that” (I always hated that, to me it was a form of comparison). Depression was weakness and something I hid. Smoking and drinking masked a lot, til the time would come that cigarettes were no longer in my routine, thus alcohol would be gone as well since for me, they went hand in hand. Attempting to managed a part time job and run this family would turn to be insane stress that would shake my marriage and home. Only following a breakdown did this even come to my own realization. Struggling in secret added it’s own weight to all of this. But adjustments within my means would be sought out, but secret struggle still remained and still does.
Many things I don’t feel comfortable sharing or even know HOW to share or express, so staying to myself is how I try to function. Truth is, depression, anxiety, and tension loom in me most all the time. How exactly DOES one share the million of different things that are in a head like mine? Yes, I think and think and ponder… A LOT of stuff. I analyze things that happened and unfortunately I anticipate things as well. A lot of the time I feel like I’m trapped in my head, like I’m a prisoner. I have for a long time. There are times that thoughts that would NOT be pleasing to other come from the depths. If you mention it to anyone, they ask if you took your meds or if you should talk to someone, what a joke, you gotta trust someone to talk first and trust isn’t something I posses much of. And in fact, opening certain parts of myself is a very rare occasion. Certain people may hear certain inserts of my life and my head, but never the whole platter or buffet. That is not safe and people aren’t safe. Why I’m coming to all this conclusions now at 33? Because now I’m forced to do so. I’m merely going to be just a mom and glorified babysitter for the next projected years. My home is as far as I will be extending myself. Trying to stretch to help others turned to be an opposing force for my family, so again, family won. I am at the beckoning call of all that places any foot in this house on a regular basis and my life is to bend around everyone else’s, conforming and fitting into their schedule, preventing me from truly making my own. This is partly my fault, as I just wanted to be the traditional wife and I got what I asked for…Handmaiden..aka maid.
I get no guaranteed child support from the dead weight, only excuses and aggravation and more excuses, the other goes to my vehicle that needed to be purchased in order to fit our family. So due to myself having a job is a frowned upon and close to impossible for my family, I am unable to go shopping for my girls. The little shopping I allow myself to do for me is insane clearance prices and the girls are thrift store, this route can be depleting. I feel limited on things that I can purchase for the 3 of us as my income is limited. Another past stem is the inability to rely on others. I have always had to pull my own and figure out ways to obtain what was needed. So asking someone or relying on another to purchase wants and desires, even as much as needs, is an extremely hard sport to master & an insanely hard custom to fade. And it’s not like I have a normal marriage like others and there’s definitely days where that is a mentality sucker punch.
Yet, I know, especially on my mountain top periods, that I serve a purpose under this calling. I have a purpose, I have a mission, I have this calling, I have been placed right where I am to serve in a much greater purpose than myself. All of my life and all the struggles leading up to this point, will make a grand play in all that I live from this moment on. I may feel like I’m constantly in a struggle to just be some days, but I know that all that I complain about, I am equip to carry out.
As I have come to the end of me, to a point of realization, allowing myself to slide to the bottom of my foundation, I know the foundation I stand on. Through all the knowledge, experience, struggle, furthering education, and LIFE that I have lived and been a part of, I held it ALL in my heart. I know, I know so much more than I ever thought, I am confident on many things, I know that I know things I never in a million years thought that I would.
A person can not run from past life experiences that were “filed” away as to hurtful to remember, for God loves us to much to allow us to run and hide and stay in that masking of the pain and darkness. We build “houses” on our own accord and wonder why they are shaken and torn down. Like the 3 little pigs story, you must construct your house the proper way to withstand all, that way of doing so is in Christ! I have holes in my house, a lot of veneers that did not withstand my life and the storms. Now that I have come to the end of me, been able to weed out more than I thought I needed to, I have a chance to rebuild. Many “houses” I have build in the past have been knocked down and demolished, burnt to ashes, shaken by quakes and storms, wiped away. I chose to not see them a mistakes but lessons that allow me to walk a straighter, firmer path than previously taken. All along, God has been there, He has been the one to lift me up, to push me further. Through all that I have done on my own accord to finish my battle, God has had other plans and has kept me above. Even if I’m just skimming the surface, God is my life guard and my floatation device that never fails. I know what my foundation is, I know that God is my Father and my Lord, I know His will and His Glory be done. I am a process, I am in the works, I am human and I will fail many more times, but my God is good and He loves me more than I will ever fathom. When I came to the end of me, I am able to see that I was the issue the whole time. Time to rebuild, time to Let go and Let God, time to readjust and awaken. The time to realign is now. This doesn’t not mean that depression and all its darkness is forever gone. It simply means that I am one step closer to being who and what I am called to be, that I am closer to knowing and understanding ME, realizing whom I am in Christ. I will still struggle and have dark days, but my foundation will be stronger and stronger.
I still hate my ex husband and want to wring his neck and not understand why he can’t pay child support without excuses, I will still question my role in my little big family and everything being a blended family and step mom entails and requires. I will conquer my insecurities and doubts one day, just like I quite smoking. I will be smarter with commitments and my words to others. I will fine ME again, find my happy spot and zone and work harder on loving my body and taking care of it. I will continue to hold my husband as the dear gift that he is and grow more into him and strengthen the friendship we have. Most importantly, I will grow in God more and more. I will remember that no matter what I see or think that there is always a…..