Ashes-Final Chapter

I want to stretch myself further with the rest of my ash making in order to put full spectrum to God’s Grace. Know & understand that I don’t like pity nor do i typically like many people knowing my business. Especially since I carried it with much shame for years. I don’t like attention drawn in manners like this but what I’m doing is an act of Faith because I know God is calling me & asking me to do this..no matter the reluctance I would prefer to act on. 

The end of 06 & beginning of 07 I was living with my Nanny & helping her take care of my grandfather. Paw would pass away on his birthday with Nanny, My Mom, & myself in the room with him. What a bittersweet moment to literally watch life leave a body. After that, enter family & if anyone truly knows, we don’t get along at all. So during this whole death, burial, & will process, I was at my wits end. I had ran into an old friend of mine during the death process so he was aware of the situation. He had offered to get an apartment just as friends. I had to get out before I lost it. & the story picks up here. 

This venture would contain a boy with facial hair who lacked the will, drive, & capacity to carry the attributes of a real man. Narcissistic, over dramatic, self gloryifing dead weight would be a proper description as holding a job was the last of the abilities possed. (This person he turned into AFTER we married..since we had a kid together..)Defaulting on a house, popping hot on a DISA drug test haulting any possible jobs that he could obtain with his specific trade, failing to get any different form of income. Not being an active father but choosing to hang out & party with friends. & a ton of pot smoking.  Moving us out of state as the “only answer” after 2 vehicles vandalized  (act of personal vindeta..he would never admit though a LOT of people had begun to dislike him). Once out of state…still unable to keep a job though he claimed he was an asset to every company he was with. Moving around at least once a year, still self glorifying & selfish & not even marginally worth being called a father. Continuing to be a great fibber. Soon the finances would shift to my shoulders, all the while pulling rabbits out of a hat to get resources to continuously keep lights on & food around. I would work the mid shift. Hating him for me having to leave my girls to work 2-10 shift. Him failing miserably at his self proclaimed “stay at home dad” movement as my oldest daughter was forced to attend to her sister for all her needs while “stay at home dad” sat around on the couch watching tv or sleeping & smoking pot. Emilee did everything & yet she got all the blame for everything as well, when it came to him. Eventually,  though I loved my job working with developmentally disabled clients, his stupid acts of immaturity would get me fired. He would also get what he deserved from our neighbors, whom the girls & i loved like no other, by getting the snot beat out of him. He made many enemies by his actions & well just by being him. Made it extremely difficult for me but some chose to stay around due to intense love for the girls & i. Through all of this time we had a million fights, the girls would cry & yell for us to stop. He even had the guts to hit me a few times & throw things at me. After what I had gone through previous, no one was gonna hit me without repercussions. The results…i won & over powered those fights. My shoulder would bust a tv screen & he would blame it on a ball. He was a pathetic excuse of a man. He would consume all of my prescription meds, use all of our money on pot (marijuana was his love. He stole it from people, cheated then out of it & etc. Yes I smoked too, but it didn’t consume me. There’s a difference between a pothead & a weed smoker. Recreational differs from compulsion), lie, sell things behind my back to get what he wanted..like a treadmill that I used that was gifted to be, got him a dog that I had to take care of. It came to the point that I would refuse be home if he was, so the girls & i were always outside on trails, parks, doing anything that was free, which was easy in a community friendly area.  Blah, blah, blah, fighting, miserable life, hate him, miserable life, more fights, more struggles to make a life for my girls & to keep some normalcy for them, he would massively steal from stores like Wal-Mart & have my girls assist, blah, blah, blah… 

Then my family would help us move back to Texas since he successfully burned a whole slew of bridges in 3 short years. My nanny opened her house to us &  helped him pay off fines so he could get his Tx drivers licence in order to obtain a job. She made him mad one day & he dented & scratched her car & tore her car antenna off & tore up her canvas folding chair she used to sit & watch the birds with. Still never got off his butt even though I warned him to straighten up when we got back or I was done. (Did I mention that as he was driving the Uhaul on an uphill unguarded switch back MOUNTAIN road with Emilee as passenger, he was loading a bowl of pot & swerved toward the straight drop of the road) The lack of changing his ways had my Nanny telling me we had 2 more weeks & we needed to leave. She would refuse to allow a good for nothing leach off of her any longer. He was not acting as a man should, especially in her eyes. Either he go & we stay or we all had to go. So, October 2013 I told him to get out. He would soon hold a glock to his head, which I should never have taken it away..not like he had the guts to do anything, he wanted pitty, but I only thought of the potential mess id have to clean up. He supposedly stayed 2 weeks in his car that was in default  (as well was the bank account that he overdrafted as much as he could) & he called & bugged MY friends with his sob story asking for a place to stay. Many turned him down & called me immediately. 

Following that, he brought alot of turmoil to my family. ALOT!!! Alot of anger, rage, then apologies would be his cycle. Hacking into my accounts, numerous emails, phone calls, etc would be some of the means of his cycle.  Prior to his current wife, he had shacked up with some crazy women, whom I rightfully didn’t feel safe having my daughter around. 1 of the chicks would get pregnant with his daughter that he would deny up til paternity testing that would reveal he was lying again. Then another wacked out person that was equally unsafe for Ella, but I had no other choice but to allow Ella go be around them, though she hated it & cried every time. I know he bashed me to others, claiming I was denying him his daughter, but believe me that even though he’s a burden in my life, my daughter was my concern. His actions justified my decisions. 

He would soon get married to the next chick & as usual have a glorifying story behind everything he said. Now his wife is living the life I once was a prisoner of. 10 yrs younger than him & pregnant this poor girl faces the same things.  & still, he can’t keep a job therefore Ella’s child support is as unstable as our life together was. & same story with their housing. 

It is a constant up & down struggle. If I was a single mom doing It all on my own, reliance on his duty to partially do his part would be the dumbest mistake & would tank us. But no matter what insane choices I make, God always holds the net. My reliance isn’t on this person, but on God. God has put forth a stand up man that WANTS to take care of Ella & raise her appropriately. One who is active in her life & doesn’t hold a “party house” atmosphere. A child needs someone to do life with, not to kiss their butt, & one should not have to be forced to speak in 3rd person in order for the title of daddy to exist. In my opinion & experience,  daddy is earned. 

I’ve made a mess of my life, & I’ve lived in shame for a very long time. I don’t regret the fact I have my girls one bit. I have been a single mom for a long time. Holding everything together & cleaning up everyone’s messes while packing dead weight. But now, God has given me rest. He is shining His Grace so brightly that I can’t deny what it is. I am now married to my best friend. & this man has never once not put my girls in consideration. He has sacrificed for them, provided for them, loved them as if they were his own. My husband is the absolute proof of God’s love & Grace. I did my life my way & you can see the mess I’ve made. BUT GOD took the ashes of ashes & mastered this new life that I live. I’m ever so grateful for this rest & love. I never thought i/we would ever experience something like this. 

I had given up. I was done. Men were stupid & useless & it was going to be the girls & me..for life. No more crap. I laid down reality to all who tried to walk in. Sean & i both said only friends status, nothing more, relationships are stupid & worthless. Mind you, I still don’t trust many women or men, but the friendship Sean & i had flourished. We began with God as our 1st conversation & our bond grew from there. He kept me from lashing out on Ella’s dad..somehow he kept me calm. He became my best friend. He alone was able to walk through walls I had put up. He walked with me through my divorce & all the ridiculous things that was pulled & spoken after….&…well…currently too. 

I know see God reveal & answer prayers that I long gave up on & even forgotten. Sean & i grow in God together. The whole time in Colorado, I was seeking God..books, notebooks & my bible had notes & pleads to God. It seemed like I was trying to ignite a light with no oxygen. But Sean is far from selfish. He is the epitome of a man. God turned my insane, messy, jacked up, shameful life into something beyond what my mind can even still comprehend. Every day I’m learning & comprehending exactly what it means & feels like to be loved. For the 1st time I have someone other than my parents actually support & encourage me. Sean & i are a great team, he provides what I can’t & vice versa. With Sean & my little big family, nothing from my past crosses my mind & i don’t feel shame. 

I walked through the fire, that is what makes myself & my relationship different. I’m not my past, but my past has helped make me. & given where I’m at now I’m life..I’d do it all over again if I had to. 

(The strength of my relationship is so much a pivotal point in my life that I am now over 2 years of tobacco free. What once was a control issue because controlling one’s of past chastised me & griped at me to quite & well, more. But with Sean, I was able to release that sense of needing that controlling factor of my life & i quite. I have since lost a desire to need to take a stand for control because there’s no need. God has control. & in that I surrender gratefully) 

*The following insert is an odd placement but couldn’t find a proper place*

(Before I had Ella, I would go into preterm labor at 24 weeks on 8.11.07 with twin boys due to TTTS. That in itself is a long story. But i lost them regardless of my efforts to save them, from placental ablation to complete bed rest, nothing helped. I believe they were alive upon delivery, but due to my own severe compilations following their birth, i was unable to know for sure.)

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